


When I close my eyes

by soft_exo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 20:34:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_exo/pseuds/soft_exo
Summary: His arms aren't the same





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uh... I had a random thought at 12am and wrote this rubbish in like 30 mins so don't expect anything. I don't even know why I'm posting it tbh.

A pair of hands settle on Jongin's waist. Bigger, heavier, less smooth. Long fingers gently trail across his exposed stomach. Jongin feels smaller, softer fingers like a shadow on his skin.

A chin rests gently on the curve of his neck. Square-ish, not as defined. Jongin tilts his head, the memory of a sharper, stubble-lined face weighing his shoulders down.

He falls back against a broad, firm chest. If he closes his eyes he can almost pretend it's a leaner, less ripped body that he's leaning against. 

He's turned away from the window he'd been staring out of for the past hour and a pair of lips land softly on his. Fuller, rounder, tasting like bitter coffee. Jongin tastes sweet cinnamon and spicy mint instead.

His hands find a fistful of hair. Darker, longer, no way near as silky. Jongin holds tight as though enough force will turn the strands between his fingers into the ones he longs to hold instead.

Eyes bore into his. Wider, hazel in the place of brown, bright rather than shining. Jongin stares back. The eyes darken, sadness and understanding and acceptance dimming the light inside. Jongin yearns for the smiling eyes he can't stop dreaming of.

Fingers rest on his cheek. Longer, thicker, calloused. A strip of cold stings Jongin's cheek. The metal band glints in the light. Jongin reaches up and places his hand over those unfamiliar fingers. The matching band on his own hand glitters. Jongin closes his eyes to stop the burning. 

Lips press against his again. This time Jongin tastes cinnamon and mint and salt. His cheeks are wet with his tears. Or maybe they're not  _ his _ tears. He can't tell over the rush of sensations invading his mind. He doesn't care either way. Sadness and understanding and acceptance for them both.

Arms thick with muscle and lined with tattoos wrap around him. Caging him, trapping him in. Jongin shivers. The thoughts of thin arms and milky skin chase away the cold, warming him up.

_ "Jongin." _ A broken whisper. A helpless cry. A desperate plea.

_ "Chanyeol _ ," Jongin says. 

  
_ Sehun _ , Jongin thinks.


	2. Even if it's a lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sweet lie is better than the bitter truth.

His eyes are far away again. Seeing him like this stabs at Chanyeol's heart. He doesn't look alive, not really. He hasn't for some time now. Chanyeol knows why of course but chooses to ignore it.

He approaches, the sudden tensing of Jongin's back muscles as he draws nearer not lost on him. The ever so slight flinching before he relaxes isn't either. Nor is the pained sigh or the clenched fingers.

Chanyeol presses his lips to Jongin's, tasting the bubblegum Jongin had been chewing earlier. He also tastes regret and despair and longing. It's bitter on his tongue.

He's looking at Chanyeol but his eyes are distant. He's not really here, in this new house they'd just bought, or in this kitchen that Chanyeol had designed specifically to suit Jongin's taste or even in his arms where Chanyeol holds him with so much love and care.

Chanyeol is here though. He has been for a long long time and will remain for even longer. Even if it's cold and empty and lonely here. He will stay, he will wait and he will hope that one day Jongin will join him. Until then…

A spike of almost anger.  _ Jongin _ had done this.  _ He _ chose Chanyeol over Sehun. Chanyeol was safe where Sehun was unpredictable. Chanyeol could give him stability while Sehun could only offer possibilities. Chanyeol was the expectation and Sehun the rebellion. Chanyeol is a safety net but Sehun is the danger.

Jongin chose  _ Chanyeol _ . So why was he still dreaming of Sehun?

Jongin was  _ his _ \- he had the ring and the documents to prove it- so why did it feel like Chanyeol was chasing after a shadow?

Chanyeol would die for Jongin but why does it seem like Jongin is the one killing him?

_ "Chanyeol,"  _ Jongin says and there isn't a shred of doubt left despite the echo of another man's name ringing in his ears.

Chanyeol would chose this hellish existence with Jongin over any paradise without him.


End file.
